consciousness is a disease

the underground man says that being too aware is an illness.

he’s not being dramatic. read what he does with the awareness:
nothing. he does nothing.
he sees every angle of every choice so completely
that he cannot make one.
he insults his friends and analyses the insult afterwards
in exhausting detail
and never once apologises.

i know this man. i have been this man at 2am.

understanding yourself perfectly
is not the same as being able to change anything,
and dostoevsky is the only writer i’ve read
who seems angry about that
instead of pretending it’s wisdom.